A Righteous Spider Battle

For those of you who may one day find yourselves preparing to engage in a righteous spider battle (the parameters establishing any such battle as “righteous,” naturally being 1) the spider is in your domicile, and 2) the spider is of sufficient size, toxicity, and/or fang to give you the howling fantods and disable your ability to think rationally).  If you should ever find yourself in this situation (i.e., you are in Australia), it may interest you to know that, after much panicked deliberation and failed experimentation, Michael and I have determined that you will need the following battle armaments:

1 shoe (the heavier the better)

1 inverted plastic bowl (for trapping your foe or wearing as protective head gear)

1 Solid Gold Reggae’s Greatest Hits album (I leave to you the decision as to which volume in the series you might like to sacrifice – if volume 1 was any indication, you can probably afford to lose the bunch)

1 iPhone (which you will use to research whether the spider in question is, in fact, lethal, in which instance you will abort your battle preparations and simply move)

 

Ideally, you approach the spider from a safe distance and simultaneously slip the album beneath it while covering it with the plastic bowl (leaving your head unprotected to attack from above – so you’d better be sure you’re just dealing with the one spider).  Once the target is securely encapsulated, you can release it back outside into the vast spidery wilderness.  The shoe is really just part of a (self-evident) contingency plan code named “Playground” because if you are unsuccessful in your attempt to corral the target, you should be prepared for all observers present to shriek and scatter as you might imagine a gaggle of school children would do if you were to walk into the middle of a play ground at recess and shout “SPIDER!”  Once you’re in plan Playground, you’ll know what to do.

 

And that concludes today’s public service announcement.  May you never have cause to need a Solid Gold Reggae’s Greatest Hits album (because, despite the title, it is actually not “solid gold” or very great – except, of course, for battling spiders).